Bedbugs, early birds and worms worry the sleep out of our noggins – Youngstown Vindicator

I came across an article the other day titled, Energy, and how to get it.

I didnt read it. Too much effort.

I used to have energy. The pedal hit the metal by the time I was 2 and my energy didnt ease off the gas until I was 22. Back then, I stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning. These days, I aspire to be in bed by 8 p.m.

The great fictional philosopher Michael Scott once said, I am an early bird and a night owl so I am wise and I have worms.

Houston, the night owl has landed. Nor do I rise any earlier. Sure, the early bird gets the worm, but Id rather eat Alpha-Bits for breakfast. Or I used to. That was back when I still had metabolism. Apparently, my metabolism eloped with my energy, because neither one is with me any longer.

To quote my dad, My get-up-and-go got up and left.

Thats an old joke, but I lack the gumption to make up a new quip.

To swipe another quote, this one from another great philosopher Winnie the Pooh, People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Or try to. I mean, try not to. Wait am I trying or not trying to do nothing? My heads weary. I need a nap.

My wife says I babble when I get tired. Can you believe that? Me, lapse into a rambling stream of unconsciousness? Yes, I know the phrase is stream of consciousness, but thats what its called if youre awake. The pearls of witless unwisdom that tumble from my unconsciousness are unhindered by any form of cognizance whatsoever.

The great philosopher Bill Murray, Ill tell Terry, once advised, Whatever you do, always give 100 percent. Unless youre donating blood. Whoa. Thats deep.

Or, You know, if I cut that round hole large enough, I can pound any square peg you hand me through it. Isnt that wild? Why didnt anyone else think of that?

Its about that time that Terry nudges me toward the bedroom and coos, Its time for your nap, dear. Sleep tight and dont let the bedbugs bite.

Suddenly, Im jolted awake and shining a flashlight under the mattress. Stupid bedbugs. No wonder we dont get enough sleep.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Americans are chronically tired. Nearly a quarter of us nationally report problems concentrating during the day. That increases our risk of car crashes, medical mistakes, industrial accidents, nasty diseases, TV ads for law firms and chaotic humor columns lacking a point.

A third of Americans snooze for less than seven hours in a 24-hour period, and Ohioians are among the most sleep-deprived folks in the union, with up to 44 percent of us falling short and possibly just falling over and snoring.

For my part, I pledge to boost the national average of sleep hours. I cant do this alone, people. This national crisis will take a concerted effort from all of us. Were woke no more. Please, grab your pillows and follow me.

Or if thats too much effort, nap right where you are.

Its for the good of our country.

Dont let the bedbugs bite.

Coles wife says hes babbling again and sent him to bed. Wake him at, the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook or at

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Bedbugs, early birds and worms worry the sleep out of our noggins - Youngstown Vindicator

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